12/9/13

Vulnerable.

Well, this blog has been neglected, as have many other aspects of life over the past two months. It has been a time of many ups and downs, many joys, and many, many challenges. I can hardly think about all of it without feeling like I might cry, or have a panic attack, or both. SO now I'm going to get a little vulnerable about life...

Margot is growing like crazy and doing new things every day. She is so fun and silly, and at the same time increasingly difficult to watch. It's a joy and a challenge. All the growth and change comes with new skills, new mobility, new curiosity, and little fear or understanding of what's safe or unsafe. Just holding her these days can be like a workout, as she likes to throw herself all over the place. It's adorable and exhausting.

I suppose of I had just one word to describe the last couple months, it would be exhausting. About 10 weeks ago, we found out we were expecting baby number two.  It was very unexpected, but very exciting.  Just a couple weeks later, Kyle got a hernia.  Apparently, it was one he was born with, but had just never given him problems until then, when it gave him a LOT of problems.  About 10 days after that, he had surgery to correct it. It was supposed to be an outpatient procedure, but he did not do well in recovery, and had to be admitted to the hospital. Thankfully, he was released the next day. Since then, it has been a very slow recovery with a lot of ups and downs.  He still is not able to lift Margot, or anything heavier than 10 pounds. He is still sore at the end of almost every day, and there have been a few times when he thought he might have re-aggravated it.  This has thrown a HUGE wrench into our daily lives, and made our schedules, routines, and rhythms completely wacky.

We are grateful for the grace many have extended to us, and ask for continued grace from the many people we've neglected, and those who've made up slack for our shortcomings as we just try to keep our heads above water.  It seems like a battle to just "get through" each day.

In addition to the woes of Kyle's hernia and recovery, we've had a difficult few weeks with our new downstairs neighbor. There have been so many complaints we could share, but to keep it brief, he smokes a lot of pot. And he may not only be smoking it, as there has been a lot of suspicious activity coming from his apartment the last two weeks. That's right, it has only been two weeks, but we have a huge laundry list of things going wrong.  Today, a maintenance man from our building came out to try and seal the duct work to prevent the two apartments from sharing air, but this afternoon, I am smelling it again as if someone were smoking in my own living room. We are praying for wisdom on how to act, and a speedy resolution.

This has brought out a lot of emotion in me. On top of all the hormones, I'm struggling with trusting God in all of this. I have struggled with doubting his will for us for a while, and struggling to be content in this phase of life. We have finally finished school, finally both have jobs, finally have our sweet baby and another on the way. After following the Lord to get to this place, and feeling so sure that it was his will for us to move to St. Louis, go back to school, etc. Now we are severely burdened with student loans, feeling stuck in an apartment that is becoming increasingly unlivable, working long hours, and feeling as if we are missing so much. Missing time with each other. Missing important times with Margot. Missing out on any kind of peace.

A friend of mine was able to put into words what I've been feeling, "It's hard to feel so far behind, when you did something to get ahead." With all of this comes a lot of dashed expectations. I thought life would be easier after school. I thought we wouldn't have to worry over finances, we'd be able to pay our loans off quickly, buy a nice home, save money, take vacations, and not worry every single day about our finances. The reality has been so very different.  I don't know how to recover from this.

We are trying to figure it out one day at time, praying for guidance and peace, and asking that God would renew our vision for what life looks like going forward. If I'm being completely honest, I'm terrified.  I have no idea what is ahead for us. In my very limited perspective, it looks like a giant mess.

We have so much to be thankful for, a happy, healthy marriage, a happy, healthy baby girl, another sweet one coming in June, an amazing church family and actual family who are walking through all of this with us, and a God who knows our struggles and sorrows more deeply than even we do, and who can see what's on the other side.

Thanks for letting me be vulnerable. Thanks for praying with us. I pray the peace of Jesus meets each of us this Christmas season.

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2 comments:

sarah said...

there's so much of this i can relate to. i'm sorry you guys are having such a hard time. i got pregnant right when justin left for the academy, so i know what you are feeling, working so hard and feeling exhausted. financially i would agree as well - it seems like it ought to be easier a lot of times, huh! i appreciate your openness in this blog and pray that kyle feels better, that you get some much-needed rest as a family and quality time together (boy can we relate), and that your pregnancy goes smoothly and easily.

Rachel Geist said...

Brett and I have felt like this too. I have to remind myself daily of God's Sovereignty in our lives and how He will provide for us. I particularly love Matthew 6:25-34. I need reminded of this especially when we are paying for Brett's school out of pocket and paying a ton on my loans at the same time. Then throw in my car getting totaled, so we're down to one car. I keep thinking, "When will things just be normal? When will we not have to deal with all these extra problems? When will we be able to use our money for things we want to do?" When I know that I should be content with life now rather than thinking I'll be content at some point in the future. (so much easier said than done!) We'll be praying for you guys and we are so excited for baby #2 coming!